20 things I have learned before I turned 20

20 things I have learned before I turned 20:

1. No matter how many times a million other people tell you that you are beautiful, you will never find peace with yourself until you can fall in love with yourself at every stage of life. You must learn to accept yourself; bloated, thick, hungry, thin, alone, in love, and at every place in between. Only then will you find peace.
2. The person who is the “one” for you, won’t make you feel like you aren’t a priority. Don’t let anyone treat you less than you deserve. If you stay with someone who doesn’t make you 100% happy, then there is no reason to stay. Love is a big deal.
3. People ignore it, but you only date someone who you see a forever with. Or at least, you’re hoping for a future with them. No one starts a relationship without the hopes of being in it indefinitely, no one starts a relationship expecting an end. 
4. Do not stay with someone who cheats on you. Do not settle. Do not stay with someone just because you have been with them for a long time or because you don’t want them to be with anyone else. Be selfish about it, you deserve the greatest love.
5. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to wallow in self pity. The key is to not let it control you. Allow yourself that pint of ice cream, that sad movie, that hour with your face in a pillow, but then move forward. Life lived without happiness is not worth more than your need to heal.
6. It is okay to stay in. It is okay that you don’t want to go to parties. It is okay that you want exactly what you want. Please don’t make decisions based on what the world wants for your life. 
7. You can spend your entire life chasing people and things that are not meant for you. Learn to let go. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes.
8. Self love is a journey. Journeys have bad days. And months. And sometimes, years. But it always gets better.
9. Your parents are just as human as you are. Remember that as you grow older. Remember that when you are learning how to mature. Thank them.
10. If you get too comfortable in life, it can hold you back from experiencing the greatest moments and times of your life. It’s not so hard to accomplish everything you’ve dreamt of. It’s all about faith. Never stop moving forward.
11. Love always wins.
12. If you can watch the sunset, do.
13. It’s true that if you love someone, and start to fall for someone else, that the second one is the one you should choose. If the first one was right, you never would have seen the second.
14. Do not lose your faith in God. It might fade and you might distance yourself from your religion, but you can always turn to His arms. It’s not weird to love God. 
15. Passion is not always easily found. Some people walk right into theirs from high school, and if you don’t, it’s okay.
16. You should tell them how you feel.
17. Spend as much time outside as possible. It changes everything. 
18. Don’t limit yourself. And definitely don’t let anyone else.
19. Always, always, always be kind. Everyone has a thing that they struggle with. Life is beautiful but it has dark moments, don’t add to someone’s burden.
20. When it feels like it’s over, I guarantee you, it’s just beginning. Not knowing is just part of the adventure.

i want to get married because that will mean that the search is over
and i want to feel someone else’s warmth every single night
under silky sheets
in more ways than one

/

don’t you know what you have done to me
in the name of love
you picked your poison and didn’t share
now it’s time to charm ourselves back into sweaty sheets
and fingertips
and the curve of your back
and the sound of my voice
saying goodnight
only this time i am wishing differently,
no more goodbyes

I should’ve known
but in the back of my mind I know why
The reason I hardly took any pictures
and why I never told my mom,
Thank God I didn’t tell them
it’s only harder to explain that way
I knew I still wasn’t ready to be someone’s
I knew that if he could do it then so could anyone else
I’m not sure I will ever understand the reason why this thing happens
I just let the scar on my back heal
and another sword stabbed right through
Worth it not for you, I’ll still survive
but I am so tired of being right
I am so tired of not being worth the fight

Life is but a dream.

i want someone to touch me
in the way that i want to feel fingers tracing my skin
at 4 am
i want to feel hot sleepy breath on my neck
i want lips on mine
flexing of your arm underneath my hand
holding tight to each other in a crowd
and i want passion
i want to want someone
who wants me more than gravity wants to hold us down
i want to drive all night just to sleep on a chest with a beat that quickens when I move
who’s touch feels like electricity
who’s mouth sets me on fire
who’s gaze turns me into a kettle on the stove
boiling over just from the heat in your stare
i want hands hugging my waist
i want kisses littering the best and worst places
mostly i want the person 
then the touch
and the hold 
and the never let me go grasp
under the covers
warm and kind
a wake me up kind of love

I am the kind of girl that you take home to meet your mom
and she loves me
when you are mean to me
and lose me,
she will ask why I’m not around
did she ever do that before?

I am the kind of girl that you give up the late night text messages
with your ex-girlfriend for
she makes you feel like shit anyways
and the reason why you stopped being on your phone
all the damn time
trying to flirt with someone you hardly even know
to fill a void

but if you don’t drop that for me
I won’t stay long
I’m not the kind of girl
who gets caught in a web
with someone who doesn’t look towards the future

I am the kind of girl who would rather be alone
than with someone who always puts me second (never again)
and I am not to be pushed to the side
I am not an option
I am all or nothing
does that intimidate you?

I am the kind of girl
that makes you wonder why you didn’t look more carefully at the sky
before you met me
you probably trust me
and think I could complete you
(maybe I will)

and the kind of girl who is terrified of you
because she doesn’t know how to let someone in
because I like your mom too and I don’t want
her to text me six months from now saying
it had been a pleasure to know me
and she wishes I was still around

Maybe life is best when there are no words to write about it with.

i’m exactly where I want to be

Life is so beautiful and wonderful. I am just so very happy. I had to write it down. 

I have met the greatest people in the last few months, and grown older friendships into stronger ones. The people who you surround yourself with, are reflections of yourself. You become parts of the people you spend your time with, I couldn’t be happier to have parts of the wonderful people in my life become parts of me. My friends have beautiful souls and they know how to have a mighty good time. I laugh so often these days.

I am learning to love myself. I am proud of who I am. I will not back down. I am a Queen. I stopped apologizing for being myself, and I have stopped dealing with anything or anyone who doesn’t make life worth living. And my best friends, they are Queens. Happiness is deserved in the best ways.

School is wonderful. I love to learn and I’m learning about the things I love. What else could be better? I am happier than I have been in years. 

How blessed am I? 

Someone told me this kind of happiness would come, and I am so glad she was right.

I am beautiful and strong.
And the world is too.
My best friends beside me,
and the future before me

I’ve never been so happy to be alive.